| 8.31.2008 |
| Pain and confusion |
I think I’m more… exasperated than ticked. This morning a friend called Thunder got a message trying to convince him to come back to an RP we’ve abandoned for months, and Thunder decides to post it into an MSN convo with me and Sarah, who HATES the guy who was trying to convince him. So I’m having an aneurism imaging her reaction, so I tell my friend to quiet down. To my relief, Sarah isn’t at all angry or depressed about talking about him again, and since I was thinking of rejoining this RP also, it makes it easier for me, too.
But then there’s somebody else who I gotta talk to.
47.
47 is one of the kindest people I know, always being the one pulling me back from beating people senseless and stuff. If it weren’t for him, I probably woul’ve learned to hack into people’s computers right now, they made me so angry. I find out 47 is the one angry, not Sarah, with is… disturbing, because I thought I knew them both so well, and to see their roles switched so easily is disconcerting.
So, 47 says he hears I need to talk to him about something, and then I realize he’s already vented to Sarah about me and my friend wanting to rejoin. And how did he figure THAT out? Sarah, because she’s the only one who knows. It was for the best, probably, since he wasn’t as mad as he could’ve been when I told him, but I guess part of me wished she would’ve kept that private. I know I have no reason to be ticked, should’ve known she would’ve told him unless I said not to, so I guess that’s partly my fault. Bright side is, though, he wasn’t as angry, thank God.
But he was angry. A first.
So, at first I said I didn’t want to cause unnesseccary conflict between them all, because if I went on to realize this guy in the RP is actually nice and not like the monster they describe… how could I trust my friends again? Honestly, it was better not knowing. But then I began to think of the guy that wants to rejoin this RP, and remembered how depressed Sarah was after being with him, and I knew I didn’t want Thunder to share the same fate. Thunder is bouncy and fun to be around, and has the most random mind ever. He won’t mix well with the sometimes controlling nature of the guy running the RP, and I began to really worry.
I proposed a plan to join the RP and keep watch over him, but mostly to see if Adam was such a monster. I had recently learned my aunt never called because she cared for me, but to turn me against my mom, and I began believing everything she said. She was a controlling sonofabitch, and me, I didn’t know. You can’t believe how stupid and lonely I felt after realizing that. I could barely talk to my friends, and it felt like everything—everything—I knew was a lie, and I hated myself for it. I still do. My mom and aunt acted like stuck-up middleschool bitches, and I never knew. And I hate it so, so much. We can’t be a big happy family, and I will forever be a chess piece in her eyes. It shouldn’t upset me… but it does. So now I’m finally realizing that maybe I should see for myself if the guy’s a creep. I can’t trust anybody anymore. Not even my own friends, it seems. Hopefully, it’s just a defense trigger in my mind for my aunt’s betrayal. I don’t think I’ll ever know.
So I guess my plan might work. I’ll pull Thunder away from any danger, and I’ll see for myself if the guy is a creep.
God Forbid Sarah and 47 are wrong. |
posted by Ashton @ 7:47 PM  |
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| 2 Comments: |
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I'm sorry I told 47 about that stuff, but... he had already seen that Thunder had volunteered to be in Adam's RPs and I was trying to give him the full picture and everything that was said to help calm him down.
Anyway you are quite correct, you do need to decide things for yourself, no one can tell you what to do or what to think. And frankly if you want to be friends with Adam, that is your business and I accept it, I just hope you can still trust us in some ways and I hope you still consider us friends.
And just for the record... it may be that you will be friends with him and have no problems at all, different people will get along with different people, after all. Again if you want to be friends with him that's okay because it's your choice but I dont' want you thinking that me and 47 had no right at all to say some of the things we did, because we did have some problems with him. Again, maybe you won't have problems with him, and he does seem to have a nice side. But I just don't want you thinking that me and 47 are just being manipulative jerks or something... we just don't want you to be hurt or anything.
Anyway sorry for rambling and I hope I didn't sound rude or anything. It's just... I still trust you and I hope I can still trust you and I have told you a lot of things in confidence.
Anyway... take care and I do hope you have fun in Adam's RPs. :)
--Sarah
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Erm... welll :P
Why Thunder? :P
And by the way I really appreciate you name not wanting to get hurt.
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Name: Ashton
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About Me: I'm a geeky person at the bottom of the food chain. I love writing a lot, and I hope to get a book published one day. I RP, I play games, look up music videos, play with my dogs, etc. Photoshop is fun, too. ^^
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I'm sorry I told 47 about that stuff, but... he had already seen that Thunder had volunteered to be in Adam's RPs and I was trying to give him the full picture and everything that was said to help calm him down.
Anyway you are quite correct, you do need to decide things for yourself, no one can tell you what to do or what to think. And frankly if you want to be friends with Adam, that is your business and I accept it, I just hope you can still trust us in some ways and I hope you still consider us friends.
And just for the record... it may be that you will be friends with him and have no problems at all, different people will get along with different people, after all. Again if you want to be friends with him that's okay because it's your choice but I dont' want you thinking that me and 47 had no right at all to say some of the things we did, because we did have some problems with him. Again, maybe you won't have problems with him, and he does seem to have a nice side. But I just don't want you thinking that me and 47 are just being manipulative jerks or something... we just don't want you to be hurt or anything.
Anyway sorry for rambling and I hope I didn't sound rude or anything. It's just... I still trust you and I hope I can still trust you and I have told you a lot of things in confidence.
Anyway... take care and I do hope you have fun in Adam's RPs. :)
--Sarah